In My Healed Self

In the silence of the night
And the absence of the light
Deafening screams come from within,
With it, the torture begins

Questions without answers,
Like tiny dancers
Chaotic in my head
Scary like monsters beneath the bed.

With no rhythm and no beat,
Toppling over with two left feet
With no solace to be found
Defeated I lay, on the ground.

The flame inside me starved of air
White flag in hand, defeat I declare
Tired of searching – for peace, for sense
A healing journey, at what expense?

Shaped into a ”healed soul’
But look inside of me; a deep, dark hole
Affirmations, mindfulness, distraction is key
A ‘new me’ born from therapy

I never asked for her, nor ever wanted her.
Starting over now just doesn’t feel fair
I miss who I thought I was,
I miss me, just because…

Looking at my reflection, a stranger before me
Past erased, future unworthy
Lost in time, lost in self,
Always feeling like ‘somebody else’

The confidence gone, the freedom lost
Forever trying, but at what cost?

Meditation, yoga perhaps,
Anything to prevent another relapse
A new chapter in a new book given to me
So all my words I will bleed

I never wanted to become someone else,
I never wanted to lose the old me
I thought healing was my journey,
Not someone new to be

Every decision I make
And every step I take
I have to fight,
Fight to make it right.

But I just want to exist,
To simply be
In my healed self, I still miss me…