Yesterday, a notification popped up on my phone: a self-care app congratulating me on six months of use. It should have felt like an achievement. Instead, it felt like a gut punch—a stark reminder that it’s been half a year since everything changed. Since I last laughed out loud, since I last felt joy, self-pride or accomplishment.
The past half a year has felt like an eternity each day, but somehow seeing in writing that half a year had passed was a bitter pill to swallow. I’ve never been in consistent crisis for this long. Trauma has a funny way of distorting time though I guess.
(Trauma can affect our hippocampus, which is like our brains filing system. When the hippocampus works correctly, memories are stored correctly with accurate timelines. When trauma is involved and the hippocampus cannot function as it should, the filing system becomes mixed up and timelines become jumbled)
Everything about me has changed. From the relationships I form, to the way I present myself. The way I think about myself and others, the way I view life, it’s all changed. I grieve the person I was, and even though at the time I didn’t think highly of myself, I wish I could just be her for one more day.
27 years of building a personality, of building a life for it to be shattered in seconds. A trauma that will forever affect me, a moment that I will carry with me for the rest of my days.
Maybe it was my pre-existing instability, maybe it was just the perfect trauma to ruin me, the one that struck all the right chords at the same time to hit every vital organ, I don’t know, I still struggle to make sense of it, I struggle to make sense of anything, of myself anymore.
I hope happiness is something that can be re-gained and I would be lying if I said that sometimes all the therapy, medication, support systems, crisis plans, medical intervention seems useless and that it’s simply ‘passing time’ but I know, I KNOW that’s the illnesses talking because without the care I’ve received, I wouldn’t be here writing this blog.
I feel like I’ve started to become the stereotype. Incapable, unworthy, unwanted… It’s hard. With all I know medically and all I feel internally, I have an immense clash going on inside me.
Tomorrow is a big day for me, I will be having my medical review and my diagnosis and medication will be reviewed. I want this to help me make sense of things but I can’t think of an answer that would do that for me.
Together we stand, divided we fall.
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