My personal journey with mental health first saw me pretending I didn’t have mental health problems and never bringing the subject up; to then only mentioning it to certain people I felt comfortable with, to shouting it from the rooftops and trying to educate everyone, to now reeling it back in and only mentioning it to certain people again.
It’s easy to write it on a blog, I don’t see anyone’s face, I don’t have to see the uncomfortable shuffle people do when they don’t know what to say, I don’t have to see people roll their eyes or drop their shoulders, I don’t have to see people looking at me with confusion or even pity.
When you ask me in real life my lips quiver, my eyes fill up with tears and my palms sweat and that’s purely with doctors and those closest to me.
I am teaching myself that I can’t work to reduce the stigma with one thing (CBMP’s) but increase the stigma around illness’ myself.
I have often apologised for my mental health; may it be to my colleagues for having a little cry, may it be to my family for them having to take me to my next appointment, may it be for the impact I’ve caused on friendships and connections I’ve had and this post is not about rejecting accountability; but purely a note to myself that whilst I apologised for the breakdowns, nobody apologised for contributing to them, I apologise for the journeys needed to be taken to take care of myself, but I never apologise to myself for letting myself get so bad that I’m almost not able to be helped anymore. I apologise for the impact it’s caused on friendships and connections, but never remember how isolating the lack of support from them was. I have noticed that when you manage to find the right places, the right people to ask for support, it doesn’t feel shameful, it doesn’t feel like it warrants an apology, it feels like it’s given with care, with no ulterior motives, having the peace knowing that those people are there purely for you to be better, it makes a difference.
When I apologise to someone, really apologise, I mean it, I’m sorry for the pain I have caused, I’m sorry for any hard feelings or difficulties that have been raised due my words or actions, but when I apologise for my mental health, I apologise for being me, for being human, for being ill. For something I can’t control, for something I’ve been fighting over 20 years to change, to ‘fix’ about myself. Now I’m coming to realise, as difficult as it is, that I am not my mental illness, but I am mentally ill. Although I have great hope in the treatment I am receiving right now, I do think psychotherapy and medication will be a constant requirement throughout my life. I cannot apologise for something I did not ask for, I have always been a strong advocate for patient rights, but often forgetting I am a patient too, I deserve the same self-care I would provide to anyone else with a disability/disabilities.
I will keep my apologising for more deserving reasons from now on, for mistakes I make, for decisions I take part in, for consequences of my deliberate actions, not for simply being. I will not apologise for requiring support, for requiring time, for requiring space, for wanting to exist…
English (UK) 
Türkçe