Every morning, I wake up, follow my routine, and head to work. On the outside, I’m functioning like anyone else but in reality, since my EUPD diagnosis, I’ve been questioning: Are these feelings mine, or just my mental health talking?
Struggling with the Diagnosis – It’s Not Glamorous
I used to think I hated life and myself back then, but now I would give anything to spend just one day as the Yas I once was. Sure, this journey is an opportunity to rebuild myself, but let’s not romanticise this process. Sometimes, it’s not about crafting a hopeful ending—it’s about facing the reality that it hurts and will likely continue to hurt for a long time.
For the first time in nearly six weeks, I’ve had to contact my crisis team outside regular hours this week. It feels like a step back, though I try to remind myself how fortunate I am to have these resources.
Life is humbling.
With previous diagnoses, I learned to distinguish between my authentic self and the illness. But this feels different. With EUPD, I’m starting over. Everything I thought I was, everything I thought was my personality, wasn’t… It was my personality disorder. The irony is overwhelming.
Idolisation and Devaluation – My Realisations
Idolisation has been a constant in my life. As far back as I can remember, I’ve placed teachers, bosses, parents of friends(…) on pedestals. It was always labelled as maturity, but now I see it in a different light and realise how unhealthy the level of admiration I had/have was.
Cutting ties with these relationships may it be internally or explicitly, felt like setting boundaries, but I now recognise it as part of a deeper pattern—devaluation. Which – much to my surprise doesn’t always mean anger or hatred. It can simply mean that someone no longer holds the value they once did and it’s only very recently that I’ve realised this. I thought it meant I’d no longer care for those people, but it’s not the polar opposites you’d expect. Nothing is ever as you’d expect, which is why assumptions can be so detrimental.
Loss of Identity in a New Found Self
Getting a new diagnosis feels like so much more than that this time, it makes so much sense when you think of everything from my childhood to present day but it feels like I’ve lost connection to myself. As I said above, I feel like everything I thought I was, everything I thought Yas was, was actually just my EUPD.
Again, I try to be realistic and logical about mental illness, so this isn’t an educational post, but more of an honest message. I’m aware I had EUPD prior to the diagnosis, and that it hasn’t necessarily changed my life in any way, but it has made me question my being and how much of it is ‘normal’ how much of me, is ‘normal’
This is the stigma still surrounding mental health and for someone that has been advocating for almost 20 years now, I’m appalled that even I have this perception around the illness.
Trauma and EUPD – A Complex Interplay
EUPD and (C)PTSD share similarities, though they remain distinct. Both involve emotional dysregulation and are linked to differences in the brain. EUPD often stems from chronic childhood trauma, while PTSD arises from specific events.
EUPD manifests in unstable relationships, self-image issues, and emotional instability, whereas (C)PTSD may bring hyperarousal, dissociation, and similar emotional challenges. Some researchers argue CPTSD is a subtype of EUPD; others see them as separate diagnoses with overlapping symptoms.
Having one doesn’t guarantee the other. Yet, managing both feels like double trouble.
I am trying to find peace in that now that things make more sense, I can work on separating Yas from the diagnosis again. I can learn to dance again, to sing and laugh, to look forward to the future and make plans. I know there can be a time where I speak of my EUPD as I have done my CPTSD, Depression and Anxiety. With compassion, understanding and willingness to learn more. I’m taking these steps as an oath to myself, alongside these blogs that I can continue to work on myself, learn more about myself, build myself, define myself. My journey can and is continuing, and so is my fight. With every word I write, every article I read, every appointment I attend, every therapy session I complete I learn more about myself and it’s understandable and to be expected that this is going to come with difficult moments. I’m trying to embrace them and celebrate my self awareness.
In a world where so many of us are struggling, let’s learn to be more accepting, willing to listen, to understand, to research, to act, to speak out.
Türkçe 
English (UK)